You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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