I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
