God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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