There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
