I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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