the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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