so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
So many bounce houses so little time
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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