I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
