If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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