I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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