Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
