I accidentally burped into my bong.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
