i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
