I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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