Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
