I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
