im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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