I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
