I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
P.S. I can't hear my feet
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
