I didn't shave. On purpose
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
