next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
high people should be assigned attendants
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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