You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
