so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
