I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
