Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
