think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
