Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Shame - the story of my life.
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