Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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