No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
