Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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