Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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