Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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