if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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