I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
