that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
