I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
she woke up with a sticky ear
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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