Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
