Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
