Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
