he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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