i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
