Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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