He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
