8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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