I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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