Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
