plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
