there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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