her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
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