would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
