So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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